MUTANTBALLS
by Ravenpan
Summary: What happens when Mutants meld with Spaceballs???? THIS!!!! - Look out for the Tightarses! *chapter 6 up!*
1. And so it begins

**  
**Spoofing a Spoof.... this ought to be fun.**  
  
Disclaimer:**_ "Standing in front of his closet, in his boxers, he had an epiphany."_  
  
**MUTANT BALLS  
A spoof by Raven Pan**  
  
*******  
**  
PIOTR: **Once upon a time warp. . . .  
  
**KURT:** Let's do ze time varp again =dances=  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** =thwap= Kurt, calm down.  
  
**KURT:** But he said "Time Varp," I vas only following instructions.  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** Wrong spoof.  
  
**KURT**: =hangs head= Sorry....  
  
**PIOTR**: =takes a breath= In a galaxy very, very, very, very, not far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Mutantballs.  
  
=looks up from script= This can't be right, we're ALL mutants!  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** Just do it Piotr... for me? =bats eyes=  
**  
PIOTR**: =blushes=  
**  
RAVEN PAN**: =prompts= Chapter Eleventy One....  
  
**PIETRO**: =suddenly appears next to Raven Pan= But how can it be chapter Eleventy One? It's the ONLY chapter, it can't be Eleventy One, it should be One! Eleventy-One isn't even a NUMBER!  
  
**RAVEN PAN**: Think real hard, speedy. Who's in charge here? =raises eyebrows=  
  
**PIETRO: ** It's not a number.  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** It's a number - I say it's a number and a number it be. Now hush.  
  
**PIETRO:** =grumbles as he zips back offset=  
  
**RAVEN PAN**: =clears throat and looks at Piotr= Please, continue.  
  
**PIOTR:** The evil leaders of Planet Mutantball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have-  
  
**PIETRO:** Wait a minute here. Squandered their atmosphere? That's impossible!  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** =just looks at him=  
  
**PIETRO: **Right, uhm... I'll be going back to the dressing room now....  
  
**PIOTR:** =sighs= The Mutantballs have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Bayville. Today is Princess Storm's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .  
  
**PIETRO:** "Knownst" isn't even a word. =grumbles=  
  
**PIOTR**: =squints. Rubs his eyes and squints again, bringing the script really close= If you can read this, you don't need glasses. =looks up= Raven...?  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** =laughs and looks offscreen= Please review! This is going to be fun, I promise you!!!! 


	2. On Mutantball 1

Disclaimer: "I have a head so my ears don't stick together."  
A/N: Glad you're enjoying this! I'm enjoying it too. Oh, and there are a few other mutant parodies out there, "Scotties New Groove" by Alison Sky, and "Mutants in Tights" by Todd Fan. go read 'em, they're hilarious! See? These Minds just RUN LOOSE! ACKS!!!!  
  
Okay, on with the show.  
  
------------  
  
EXT. MUTANTBALL 1 - SPACE  
MUTANTBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about twenty minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.  
  
INT. MUTANTBALL 1 - SPACE  
Col. Creed (a VERY drugged up Sabretooth) is standing in the front of the ship.  
  
JAMIE: =shaking= C... Colonel Creed?  
  
COLONEL CREED: What is it, Sergeant Jamie?  
  
JAMIE: =relieved glance at RAVEN PAN= you drugged him?  
  
RAVEN PAN: =nods= Borrowed from Alison Sky.  
  
JAMIE: =sigh of relief= You told me to let you know the moment Planet Bayville was in sight, sir.  
  
COLONEL CREED: So?  
  
JAMIE: =gulps= Planet Bayville is in sight, sir.  
  
COLONEL CREED: You're really a Mutantball. You know that, don't you?  
  
JAMIE: =smiles weakly= Uhm... Thanks?  
  
COLONEL CREED: Have you notified Lord Fire?  
  
JAMIE: Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.  
  
PIOTR: Make way for Dark Fire!  
  
COLONEL CREED: All rise in the presence of Dark Fire.  
  
PIOTR: A door opens revealing Pyro, er... Dark Fire, he resembles Darth Vader, though his suit has flames drawn all along the arms and legs and cape.   
  
PIETRO: How cool is that? I want one!  
  
RAVEN PAN: HUSH, or I'll lock you down.  
  
PIETRO: Yes'm.  
  
PIOTR: He is walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.  
  
PYRO: =pulls mask up= I can't breathe in this thing. Raven!!!  
  
RAVEN PAN: Just read your lines.  
  
COLONEL CREED: We're approaching Planet Bayville, sir.  
  
DARK FIRE: Good. I'll call Mutantball City, and notify President Magsie immediately.  
  
JAMIE: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.  
  
DARK FIRE: What? You went over my helmet?  
  
JAMIE: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!  
  
DARK FIRE: (puts on Schwantz ring)  
  
JAMIE: Oh crap! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. =covers his neck=  
  
DARK FIRE: =pulls mask down= Yes. That. =shoots a green ray at Jamie's crotch=  
  
JAMIE: Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww! RAVEN!!!!!  
  
RAVEN PAN: you'll be fine, dear.  
  
JAMIE: =whimpers pitifully=  
  
DARK FIRE : Take him away.  
  
RANDOM JAMIE CLONES: =grab the original Jamie, and drag him off screen, much to his relief=  
  
DARK FIRE: Col Creed.  
  
Sabretooth: =covers his crotch= Sir?  
  
DARK FIRE: I don't see Planet Bayville. Where is it?  
  
COLONEL CREED: We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?  
  
DARK FIRE: Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.  
  
PIOTR: Dark Fire and Col Creed walk to the radar screen. Dark Fire stops in front of the coffee maker.  
  
COLONEL CREED: Very good, sir.  
  
DARK FIRE: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.  
  
COLONEL CREED: No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Draft." =points at label, "Mr. Draft"= Care for some?  
  
DARK FIRE: Yes! I always have beer when I watch radar. You know that.  
  
COLONEL CREED: Of course I do, sir.  
  
DARK FIRE: Everybody knows that.  
  
EVERYBODY: =covers their crotch= Of course we do, sir.  
  
DARK FIRE: =takes beer= Now that I have my beer, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?  
  
COLONEL CREED: =points to label "Mr. Radar"= Right here, sir.  
  
PIETRO: This has GOT to be the STUPIDEST thing I've ever seen! What the heck is a "Mr. Draft" supposed to be? And "Mr. Radar"? That's so degrading! What kind of outfit are they run-  
  
RAVEN PAN: =thwaps Pietro=  
  
PIETRO: =blinks=  
  
RAVEN PAN: Shut up.  
  
PIETRO: =looks hurt=  
  
RAVEN PAN: =motions to Sabretooth and Pyro= Continue.  
  
DARK FIRE: Switch to the viewer thing.  
  
PIOTR: The radar changes to a picture of Planet Bayville.  
  
DARK FIRE: There it is, Planet Bayville, and underneath the air shield, =ignores Pietro's snort of contempt= ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.  
  
COLONEL CREED: We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Hank the Eighth and a Half, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Bayville and saving Planet Mutantball.  
  
DARK FIRE: Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?  
  
COLONEL CREED; Within the hour, sir.  
  
DARK FIRE: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a sip of beer) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.  
  
PIOTR: Sabretooth hits his back. Pyro spits out the beer and his mask falls down.  
  
DARK FIRE: =mask down= NASTY! Too bitter!  
  
PIETRO: =steps on screen= Raven Pan, in her infinite wisdom, has allowed me the part of director, or at least assistant director – in attempt to cut down on my interruptions. =leans closer to the camera= Little does she know that I'll just have more fun now!  
  
RAVEN PAN: =offscreen= Pietro!  
  
ALISON SKY: Don't worry Raven, just give him a casting couch and some groupies and he'll leave you alone.  
  
PIETRO: =stands back again and grins= So review, cause if you don't she may do something horrible to me!!! IEEE!!!!!! =runs offscreen= 


	3. A Wedding?

_Disclaimer: "Brought to you by DEF-Con Owl Traps. Kills owls dead. In the future."  
  
A/N - thanks for the reviews all! (and, if you're thinking of saying I have no originality, you're not reading this parody very closely. Parody: verb. meaning, an Imitation)  
  
----------------------------  
PLANET BAYVILLE - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY  
Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Storm to Prince Forge. Tomorrow, Tennis."_  
  
_INT. CHAPLE - DAY_  
**PIOTR: **Jamie is fixing something on King Hank the Eighth and a Half's outfit. Princess Storm is pacing.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5**: Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?  
  
**JAMIE (dressed as an USHER):** Yes, your majesty.  
  
**STORM**: No! Where's my mutant of honor?  
  
**JAMIE-USHER:** Oh dear, yes. Where's Mystique? Mystique? Mystique Ball? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I =stops and glares at the teleprompter= I am NOT saying that.  
  
**PIETRO:** But it's in the script! =waves script around=  
  
**MYSTIQUE: **No.  
  
**KURT:** Please?  
  
**MYSTIQUE:** =grumbles, then speaks in a monotone.= I'm so excited, I had a potty emergency on the way. There. I said it.  
  
**PIETRO: **Thank you! =brightly smiles=  
  
**JAMIE-USHER:** All right, people. It's magic time.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)  
  
**STORM: **Daddy that's your right foot.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** It's too late. Keep going.  
  
**PIOTR: **They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Mutant Bride."  
  
**STORM:** =stops= Daddy.  
  
**PIOTR: ** The organ player stops playing and turns a confused look upon them.  
  
**STORM:** Must I go through with this.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.  
  
**PIOTR:** They start walking again. The organ starts up again.  
  
**STORM: **=stops= But, daddy.  
  
**PIOTR: **=sighs= The organ stops again.  
  
**STORM:** I don't love him.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** I'm sorry, Storm, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.  
  
**FORGE**: =fiddling with something machiney looking=  
  
**PIOTR:** They FINALLY reach the altar.  
  
**PREACHER REMY:** Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Storm, de daughter of King Hank the Eighth and a Half....  
  
**PIOTR: **However, Storm starts running toward the door, while Mystique is dragging behind.  
  
**PREACHER REMY**: ....going right past de alter, heading down de ramp, and out de door.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!  
  
_EXT. CHAPEL - DAY_  
  
**PIOTR**: Storm and Mystique come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car.  
  
**MYSTIQUE:** Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Stop already!  
  
**PIOTR:** They get to the car and Storm opens the door.  
  
**MYSTIQUE:** What are you doing?  
  
**STORM:** =starts to get in the getaway car= No questions, Mystique. Get in.  
  
**PIOTR**: The car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel.  
  
**KING HANK 8.5:** What is she doing? Where is she going?  
  
**PIOTR:** The car takes off toward space.  
**  
FORGE:** Come baaaaack! =waving around some unknowable gadget in the air after her.  
  
  



	4. Meet the uh good guys

_  
Disclaimer: "I'm you, and you're me - so together us be we!"  
  
A/N: Glad y'all are enjoying this! Funny how people can read my minds.........  
  
  
INT. EAGLEMEISTER - SPACE_  
  
**PIOTR:** The Eaglemeister is a Winnebago with wings. Kurt is eatink ice cream and dancink to music. He is a Fuzzelf. Loganstar is at the wheel, asleep. He is mildly drunk. He is a normal human, well, with extrordinary healing powers and adamantium claws. But besides that, normal. Right. Anyhow, "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashink. The phone starts ringink.  
  
**LOGANSTAR: **=wakes up= Krap. Krap. Krap!  
  
**KURT:** Huh?  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** =off screen= Krap!  
  
**KURT: **Alvays vhen I'm eating.  
  
**PIOTR:** Kurt, er, Krap puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Gutbombs.  
  
**LOGANSTAR: **Krap!  
  
**KURT:** Vhat I can do for you, boss?  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** Where ya been, bub?  
  
**KURT: **Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You vant some? =offers a Gutbomb to Loganstar=  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** No!  
  
**KURT:** C'mon. .... Zey are very goot. =nods convincingly=  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** Answer that for me. Will ya?  
  
**KURT: **Ah, sure. =hits Logan with his tail as he turns around=  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** Will you watch that thing?  
  
**KURT:** Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. Zat vay, zey von't see you. =hits the video switch= Guten Morgen.  
  
**PIOTR:** Toad appears on the screen. He is half frog, half human.  
  
**TODD:** Hello, Loganstar.  
  
**KURT:** Sorry, wrong svitch.  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** Hello, Toad, what do you want?  
  
**TODD:** No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what – he - wants.  
  
**KURT & LOGANSTAR: **Blob...  
  
**PIOTR:** Blob, is a REALY BIG human.  
  
**FREDDY:** Well, if it isn't LOGANSTAR, and his side-kick, Poop.  
  
**KURT:** That's Krap.  
  
**FREDDY:** Krap, Poop, whatever. Where's my money?  
  
**LOGANSTAR:** Don't worry, Blob. You'll have it by next week.  
  
**FREDDY**: No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.  
  
**LOGANSTAR**: A hundred thousand bucks, by tomorrow? Can I pay you in Canadian?  
  
**FREDDY**: Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million bucks. American.  
  
**LOGANSTAR**: A million? In American? That's unfair.  
  
**FREDDY**: Unfair to payer, but fair enough to payeee, and you're gonna pay it, or else.  
  
**KURT**: Or else vhat?  
  
**FREDDY**: Tell 'em Toad.  
  
**TODD**: Or else Blob's gonna... sit... on you.  
  
**TODD** & **FREDDY**: =laugh=  
  
**TODD**: I'm not doin' the next line, yo.  
  
**PIETRO**: I don't blame you.  
  
**RAVEN** **PAN**: =taps foot, then sighs.= Alright. You don't have to.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
_INT. STORM'S CAR - SPACE_  
  
**PIOTR**: Storm is listenink to music in headphones. Her headphones that look like Crème Puffs  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Forge is smelted, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years.  
  
**STORM**: =can't hear her.=  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: Will you turn that thing off.  
  
**STORM**: What? =takes off the headphones= What is it?  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: I was saying, you do realize what you've done.  
  
**STORM**: Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. =puts the headphones back on= =mumbles= how corney can these lines get? Next thing I know I'll be saying, 'good good, bad bad, good bad, bad good bad... good.' =sighs=   
  
**RAVEN** **PAN**: No, that's not until I do the thumbwars spoof.  
  
**STORM**: =sarcastic= Yay.  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: =monotone= I wonder if she's glad. =stands up, grabs script and throws it down= that is IT. These are the DUMBEST lines I have ever had to read, and I will NOT do this any longer!  
  
**RAVEN** **PAN**: =glowers=  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: =transforms into RP's doppleganger= You don't scare me.  
  
**RAVEN** **PAN**: =snaps fingers=  
  
**MYSTIQUE**: =finds herself suddenly wearing the gaudiest, most hideous outfit imaginable. Bright yellow and red stripes going on in her pants, neon green and orange plaid shirt.= AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! =runs off screen=  
  
**PIETRO**: REVIEW! =winning grin= 


	5. Hail Magsie!

_Disclaimer: Measure aux haunches  
  
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT MAGSIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT_  
  
**PIOTR: **Magneto is talkink to someone on the phone.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Mutantball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. =hangs up phone= *bleep*head.  
  
**PIOTR:** He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts breathink the air. =looks up= Raven, why am I just readink all the stage directions?  
  
**RAVEN PAN:** because I couldn't decide on a part, and this way you're in pretty well every scene.  
**  
PIOTR: **Oh.  
  
**TABBY**: =appears on the wall= President Magsie.  
**  
PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** =throws can behind him and closes the drawer= Yes.  
  
**TABBY**: This is Central Control, Mutantball Commanderette Tabitha speaking, sir.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** Yes, what is it Commanderette?  
  
**TABBY**: Lord Fire has informed us that Princess Storm is in sight, and Mutantball 1 is closing in on her.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** Good, good.  
  
**TABBY:** We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** I'll be down presently.  
  
**TABBY:** Shall I have Ray beam you down?  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?  
  
**TABBY:** Oh yes, sir. Ray beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.=grins=  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. =steps into the beaming pod=  
  
**TABBY: **Ray, beam him down.  
  
**RAY:** =O.S.= Yes, sir... Ma'am. Er.... Immediately... Aw heck, Sure thing, Tabbs!  
  
**PIOTR: **and so, President Magsie beams out of his office.  
  
*******  
  
_INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT_  
  
**PIOTR:** Magsie reappears. His head is on backwards.  
  
**VOICE (O.S.):** Space-monkies!! What's happened to his head?  
**  
TABBY:** It's on backwards.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** This is terrible! Do something.  
  
**RAY:** I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverterisationalisticoriser malfunction.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** =not listening, lifts up the cape= Why didn't somebody tell me my heinie was so big?  
  
**PIOTR:** Everyone else looks and snickers. =mumbles= the things I do for that elf.... =glances at Raven Pan=  
  
**RAY: **Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlockorisationaliser system.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** =scratches his rear= ahhhh  
  
**RAY:** =flipping switches= Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock'n Load 'em!  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** =beams out.=  
  
*******  
  
_INT. PRESIDENT PRESIDENT MAGSIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT_  
  
**PIOTR:** President Magsie reappears, back to normal. Tabby appears on the wall.  
  
**TABBY**: Are you all right, Mr. President.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** I'm fine, no thanks to you.  
  
**TABBY: **We'll beam you back, sir.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm walking. =walks through the door to his right=  
  
*******  
  
_INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT_  
  
**TABBY**: President Magsie, Salute.  
  
**ALL:** =flip the proverbial bird in salute= Hail Magsie!  
  
**PIOTR: **President Magsie Flips them all off in return. =looks up= What's this fic rated again?  
  
**PIETRO: **Don't worry about it – it's not like they're doing anything blatantly wrong, and if they're not doing anything blatantly wrong it doesn't really matter since all the stuff is all just sort of inferred and so there really is no reason to worry about it at all.  
  
**RAVEN PAN: **=hugs Pietro=  
  
**PIETRO:** =grins=  
  
**JEAN and AMARA:** Hello, President Magsie.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE: **=Looks at Jean= Oh, uh. Hello, Amara.  
  
**AMARA: **I'm Amara.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE: **=Looks at Amara= Hello, Jean.  
  
**JEAN: **I'm Jean.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE: **Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.  
  
**TABBY:** Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen, approaching Mutantball 1, at fifteen hundred light parsecs per minute.  
  
**PRESIDENT MAGSIE:** Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Fire he must take the Princess alive.  
  
**PIETRO: **that was really good, wasn't it? I think it was, and I just can't believe how quickly this isn't moving along, hurry it up Raven! hurry hurry hurry... oh, and you people reading this, review!!!!  
  
  



	6. Tightarse

_Disclaimer: "I am SO not a tree."  
  
a bit of comment commentary first.  
  
Asteria: 1- I used Jean and Amara because I don't like them very much. That, and when people don't look alike, and are mistaken for each other, it's just funnier to me :) 2- yeah, I like Forge too, however, there was only two places I could put him with Storm in princess role, and... 3- Logan's my favourite, so he gets the hotman part ^_^  
  
hehe,now, on with the insanity! (and thank y'all for the reviews, please keep it up!!!!_  
**  
Mutantballs: Tightarse.**  
  
  
**EXT. MUTANTBALL 1 - SPACE**  
  
**PIOTR:** In front of Spaceball 1 is Storm's car.  
  
**INT. MUTANTBALL 1 - SPACE**  
  
**PIOTR: **Colonel Creed and Dark Fire are standink in the front.  
  
**COLONEL CREED:** Princess Storm's spaceship within range, sir.  
  
**DARK FIRE:** =mask down= Good. Fire a warning shot... or something. Preferably something... heh... flamable.  
  
**PIOTR:** Guns start firink.  
  
--------  
**  
INT. STORM'S CAR – SPACE  
  
PIOTR**: Storm takes off the headphones. Again. The car is shakink.  
  
**STORM**: What's going on?  
  
**MYSTIQUE:** It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.  
  
**STORM: **Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone) =mutters something about how stupid her lines are remaining.=  
  
**MYSTIQUE:** What you doing?  
  
**STORM: **I'm calling my father. 1-800-BAYVILLE. (dials the phone)  
  
**INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE  
  
DARK FIRE** (lifts up mask): Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.  
  
**GUNNER:** (lifts up eye guard to reveal Alex Summers.) Sorry, sir. (He's crossing his eyes.) Doing my best.  
  
**DARK FIRE:** Who made that man a gunner?  
  
**SCOTT SUMMERS:** I did, sir. He's my brother. Something wrong with that?  
  
**DARK FIRE:** Who is he?  
  
**COLONEL CREED: **He's a Tightarse, sir.  
**  
DARK FIRE: **I know that. What's his name?  
  
**COLONEL CREED: **That is his name, sir. Tightarse, Major Scott Tightarse.  
  
**DARK FIRE: **And his brother?  
  
**COLONEL CREED:** He's a Tightarse, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Alex Tightarse.  
  
**ALEX SUMMERS:** Hey! Just cause my brother's got a stick stuck up his, doesn't mean I do too!  
  
_**Raven:** Just follow the script dear._  
  
**DARK FIRE: **How many Tightarses we got on this ship, anyhow?  
  
**PIOTR:** All, but few, stand up.  
  
**ALL:** Yo!  
  
**DARK FIRE:** I knew it. I'm surrounded by Tightarses. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Tightarses!  
  
  



End file.
